Change is a Bitch.

I know her personally, and I do not like her. She always seems to pop up when I'm getting comfortable, when I've settled, when I feel as if I'm right where I need to be - whether or not that be the case.

When I see her coming, I run...I push, I fight and struggle, and always lose the battle...most often, hurting myself and others in the process.

I have tried over the years to learn to adapt to her, to embrace her, to treat her as a friend...and each time she comes by I find myself resorting to my old M.O. and resisting.

The problem is that she will always be a part of my life. She will always be there, threatening to return at a moment's notice. She appears when you're expecting her, and sometimes appears when you had no idea she'd be arriving on your doorstep needing a home for a bit.

So, then, how is it that I am to learn to adapt to her existence? How, then, do I actually embrace her?

I often think if I look at the good in the situation, it'll help. But I am pessimistic by nature and have a hard time seeing the good beyond what I see as a total system break down and take over.

Yep. Change is a bitch. And no matter what I do, or how well or horribly I handle her, she will always be there and will always be a bitch.

~Stephanie

I'm not Broken, nor have my batteries run out...

Ever since the announcement of my divorce people have begun to treat me differently.

They no longer feel as if they can share news about, marriage, babies, new homes, new adventures, and so on. Additionally, when they see me - they expect me to be sad down-trodden and incapable of surviving my day-to-day life. They expect to need to be my shoulder, the strong rock in the face of such adversity -

What they don't understand is that they are creating the very adversity they are trying to avoid.

The decision for the divorce was mutual, and it has been nearly a year at this point (okay maybe 10ish months - close enough) and I am no longer mourning this loss.

I am excited about your life and your exciting news. I want to share in the joys of your life, I want to be there with you, for you - in whatever way I can. Even that means a simple "congratulations" - I am the same person I was before, just minus a Husband.

What makes me different is the loss of friends that I have experienced since the divorce. My friends, I miss in a way that I cannot explain. I miss the connections, closeness, football games, movies, drinks & fun we experienced.

I understand a divorce is sticky and complicated - but I don't need your shoulder. I need your friendship.

Please let me back in to your life - because I miss you.

~Stephanie

Getting Lost

Alex and I have similar interests. We like creepy/spooky things.

We had a day planned to explore Washington's "wilder" side. We found a website focusing in on Washington State Ghost Towns. After having decided that we wanted a shorter day with a delicious dinner to accompany hiking we took a look at Ghost Towns in King County. Lo and Behold - there was an old abandoned mining town just outside of Newcastle. GOLDEN.

Equipped with a map, water, snacks, flashlight, Swiss Army Knife and rain gear we headed out to Red Town Trail Head.

Anyway, we start off hiking. Decide we want to head towards and old dam. So we walk the .3 miles to get to this weird dam site - I guess - there was a short and not long wall that looks like it may have been man made. We don't know. We turn around and head towards the "anti-aircraft" site. We don't know what this is either, but we have a map - so off we go. It's a rather long hike that ends up dropping us at 1430ft. in elevation at a picnic site. Huh. We look at the time and it's 5:30 - we decide it's time to head back. After a short discussion and walking in a circle I make the executive decision that we need to head back the way we came - you know, it's predictable and quicker. Might I take this moment to mention that at the trail head there was a sign letting us know how to handle bears and cougars if we approach them.

We're heading back, talking about the various things one would decide to talk about while on a nice long hike...when we come to a "Y" in the trail. We look at the sign and neither of the trails are trails we've heard of - nor do either of them really make us feel like we'll be heading back the way we came. After a moment of collective frustration and confusion - we look at the trusty map created by King County Parks. This does not help much. It is getting dark, we make a decision about which trail to take. I notice, at this time, Alex has his army knife in his hand. I choose to ignore this as it seems like a really shitty beginning to a Stephen King novel.

As we continue to come across these really annoying trail splits it quickly becomes quite clear to me that we're lost. It's getting dark, and Alex is still carrying that damn knife. I begin to make mental preparations for 'camping out' in the wilderness where wild animals roam free, thinking about our provisions, how will we protect each other, and what do we have to get us through a night.

Yep, there are the signs. Heart pounding, shaking of hands, stress, crazy mental cycle...blah blah blah..if you have experienced anxiety - you know the feelings/signs. As I'm talking myself into panic, I talk myself out of panic...knowing full well panic will not solve anything.

We finally come across a sign pointing us towards the Red Town Trail Head!! I do a little Stephanie jig and yell at Alex - "We're headed the right way, let's go!!" So we walk some more and come across one more sign, telling us that if we just "off road" 200ft into the woods we'll be at the trail sight. Panic Panic Panic. What?!?! How does this make any sense? The trail head is a parking lot - being in the middle of "off road" woods will NOT get us to any sort of trail head.

Thankfully, Alex was not at the panic point I was. He suggested we walk, not into the woods, but past the sign following the trail. (He's a smart Man.) And YAY - there was our car. Relief flooded me as I gave Alex a huge hug and praised him for handling me with such grace...

My point? Getting lost sucks. You have a map, tools and it's all planned out. It's perfect. However, it never is perfect and it never goes the way you expected nor planned. You get lost, you have to re-route, and find your way on a completely different trail than you were ever planning.

This is the beauty of life.

~Stephanie

***This is my account of our day. Alex's account may be different - as we were together both living different moments and thoughts - while operating through separate filters.

Expectations Suck

Expectations are ugly things. I try to make a goal in my life to keep myself from developing expectations and when I do I try and communicate them, if reasonable and necessary, so that I do not get hurt.

However, every once in awhile an expectation creeps in and I recognize those oh so annoying feelings of frustration and self-hatred when I find myself disappointed.

It is even more annoying because the source of these feelings is all self-created.

I believe expectations are founded in the mentality that people should consider you and what it is that you would want. What it is in each situation that you would prefer and would make you most comfortable. This mentality is selfish and narcissistic in nature. I understand the desire to have people consider you, however, this is not a reality. As humans are, naturally, selfish in nature. I know this thought goes against the grain, and isn't fun to think about. However, I believe it's true.

Hence the desire and goal to never have expectations.

This is not an easy thing to accomplish, given we all think about the future and our goals and how we want people to react and respond to us. It's a fight. It's an exhausting uphill battle to grasp the idea that if you 'need' it - you must ask for it.

I'm terrible at this. I wont ever ask, and will sit in my shit for days on end wishing I wasn't - but refusing to do a damn thing about it.

I do not have the happy medium. Clearly an issue.

~Stephanie

Ooof...here I go again...

Sometimes I wish I were more eloquent.

As I sit here I have a rant in my head, that could be better written by some of my fellow bloggers. As, I am not a smart writer - I just write. It comes from my brain...huh....I guess all writing starts there. I promise that was not a ruse to prove my point.

Lately, I've been a bore. Life has been all about digging deep, discovering oneself, having the tough conversations and questioning what society has to offer me and what I want to choose for myself.

I have been a talkaholic. Constantly. Talking, ranting, dreaming, scheming, yelling, bitching, arguing, bickering...and so on...As you notice, most of those are power words. Yes, please throw me against a wall with a wink...

Anyway, I was at hemp fest this weekend. As I walk around looking at bongs - or I'm sorry, water pipes, as is politically correct. I realize the craftsmanship that goes into this glassblowing process...tis incredible. Also, I see the crowd of people (I heard around 30,000) crammed into this teeny tiny park, 90% of them high, being so calm and peaceful. Enjoying themselves, eating greasy food, sharing in a similar belief and cause, smoking pot together and experiencing something that can rarely be experienced in the wonderful US of A. I was lying down and watching all these people around me, and decided to think about this situation, but instead of weed, it's liquor. Let me tell you, that the scene would not have been so peaceful. It makes me wonder why marijuana is still illegal - I have other reasons for wondering this, however, it just sparks more curiosity. When I learned why pot became illegal in the first place it made me really mad. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marijuana_legalization)

There is this horrible stigma that goes with pot. If you're a pothead, you're lazy, can't go to work...and are probably a hippy living off the government's salary and raising my taxes...thanks for that stigma Roosevelt and all the other idiots who cannot think for themselves. It agitates me that this mentality about marijuana is still here today and its almost 2010. Are we really still thinking with our heads up our ass?

Anyway, I find myself constantly irritated at the irrationality (is that a word) of the general population in my country. When eavesdropping on conversations on the bus or in the streets, or in store lines, I realize that a lot of people really take this quote to heart, and it's painful...

"I believe everything I read, and I think that makes me a more selective person." Nigel Tufnel, This is Spinal Tap

Its just dumb.

Anyway, there is no point to this post....other than to say that its just dumb.

~Stephanie

Music

Music speaks to me, like it does for most people.

When I hear a song that I love, I attach to it. I see my life in the song. I feel the song - in a place within myself that I cannot explain. There is a sense of true euphoria that goes along with music, with lyrics, with the song.

I love all types of music (except techno). Each genre can put me in a place that I can only feel when that song or style is playing.

I remember when I was in 8th grade, going through my emo - before emo was popular phase...as most teenagers do. I would sit in my room with the lights off, candles lit, listening to music, writing poetry and dreaming of what life could be.

I would have never guessed that life would lead me here. Lead me to a place of unending questions, lead me to a place of uncertainty, lead me to divorce at 25, lead me into a new life, a new career opportunity, and lead me a place of unending possibilities.

Often, I go back and listen to the music of my younger years and remember in fond detail the places, people, the loves, the hurts, the desires, and the dreams.

Music brings me back to who I am. Music allows me to connect to myself, and allows me to feel and share feelings with that 3minute song - that no one will ever share with me.

I have a strong respect and passion for music. For there is nothing else in this world that makes me feel what music makes me feel.

~Stephanie

Musing - about it all...

Do you ever just want to have a conversation with someone who believes the polar opposite of what you believe? Just to ask questions, gain perspective, learn something new. Not to try and 'convert' them to your ways or to try and 'teach them a lesson'...just understand them. Where they come from and how they can possibly believe something so different from you? Do you find it as frustrating as I do that these types of conversations can rarely happen? People find it so bothersome that you don't agree with them, or believe what they believe. Like you disagreeing is a personal hit on that person. I don't want to argue. I just want to understand.

It baffles me that when I'm anywhere - all the people around me have a destination. Every person, has a story. A life. A place. And in that moment, you are sharing in their life. You are entering their world for just a brief moment. AND depending on, said encounter, you may make a difference. When I start thinking about each individual person, and where they are going and where they are coming from and what their life, and how they live - I just want to go crazy, and understand them.

I hate small talk. Yes, I will talk about the weather with you and generally shoot the shit for a minute or two - if its necessary. BUT, I would much prefer to talk to you. To get to know you. To understand you. I'm a bit nosy, in the sense, that I am question asker. I want to find what will get you to open up so I can learn about you. I rarely follow through with this, and that bugs me.

I am a passionate person, and selfishly want everyone else to be passionate too. You do not need to be passionate about what I'm passionate about. I just want to see you get excited or worked up about something. Nothing stirs me - the way being around a group of people who are 'there' for a higher purpose than themselves. A group of people gathering, rallying for anything..it excites me and it inspires me. It gets the hair on my neck to stand up and I begin to feel that camaraderie that everyone else is feeling. I want to be a part of it.

When I'm looking at you, and can see your eyes. But cannot see the world through your eyes. It makes me sad.

I want to dance and sing. Always. So, I do. However, this is something only a few select people get to be a part of. Its me. Being me, being goofy. Its who I am when I am alone. I fear people wont like this side of me. So, I keep it under wraps, until I feel like you love me enough - to love that side as well.

I like to laugh. This is new, as of a few years ago. I've always been a rather happy person, but did not have a great sense of humor. NOW, I think nearly everything is funny. And I have a loud guttural laugh that shocks people. I like that about myself.

I have a friend who is incredible (I have lots of great friends, but this Woman inspires me). I have known her since I was 6 - and have considered her one of my best friends for nearly 20 years. She possesses so many qualities that I strive for on a daily basis. She is smart. She is strong. She is beautiful. She is optimistic. She is full of drive. She is funny. She is caring and compassionate. She is non-judgemental. She is there for you. She is so many things. I love her.

Do you ever wonder about things that have not been discovered or invented yet? Dear Lord, I do. I like to ponder the innumerable possibilities that the technology and creativity of all the people in the world bring to the table. I like to think about what the 'next best thing' is. This thought, keeps me up at night.

I giggle at the newest cell phones. Years ago we had these big clunky cell phones that were for emergencies only. As time and popularity grew the experts worked so hard to make cell phones smaller and more convenient. BUT, with the release of the IPhone, it is now, better to have a bigger cell phone. It's like fashion. The trends repeat. I'm certain the experts are already working on a way to make smart phones smaller.

Deja Vu creeps me out. I think about this a lot too. I want to know what it is, and how it works and what is causing it....which leads me to...

The fact that I wish we could study the brain more effectively. It's an incredible tool that used by animals and people alike, on a daily basis. Yet, we know so little about it. I am waiting for the day that science can teach us more about the brain. How it works, and why we are the way we are.

It drives me stinking crazy that sometimes I just have to accept that there are certain things I'll never know.

Shit, this is long. I'm stopping...

~Stephanie