You had it coming....

I think people have gotten the wrong impression.

As commented on my last blog - I am apparently feeling/exploring all sorts of avenues and ideas that are not appropriate - that claim I have walked away from Faith, God and all that applies - that has also implied I am not following a good path and need prayer. It all feels very judgmental.

I have received numerous emails from people about how my divorce has made me walk away from the Lord. That I'm walking with the devil. That I'm horrible. That I'm selfish. That I'm not catering to my torn apart sad down-trodden husband, who is begging for me to return ( <- Just to clear things up - this is not his stance. ) That I have somehow become the satanist whore... That I am searching for things that are of this world. That I'm being unruly....honestly? I could keep going. And Honestly..................STOP!!

I appreciate being loved and cared for. But - judging and telling me how horrible I am...is not love and not care. It's a selfish desire to make people live life YOUR way.

I'm not sure if you know this or not - but judging is also a sin. <- In fact, I think this is talked about often in the bible. So stop. Otherwise, you're just as bad as this self-centered Satan filled self-gratifying worshiper - that you have pegged me to be.

I am on a search - I am on a journey. I am taking a really shitty situation and I am trying to learn from it. I am trying to better myself and I am trying to become a person who is not going to continue to make the mistakes I made in my marriage.

Am I sad that it all came down this way? Of course I am. Do I wish we could have jumped in years ago and saved it? Of course I do. But, that was not the way the cookie crumbled. And if we're not meant for each other - don't you Self-Righteous Christians out there believe this is a part of God's plan and there is someone better suited for each of us out there?

I am irritated. And I have sat back for nearly 3months and peacefully dealt with the judgment and the blame you have cast on me. I have been the bigger person. I have been the more loving person. I have been the things to you - that we, as friends, should be to each other.

As Jon has said, this whole situation will help us weed out the people who really care...

For those of you who have truly cared - and there have been many. Thank You. I appreciate you. I appreciate your willingness to hold my hand and help me walk through this process....you have seen the parts of me that have struggled to deal with this. You have watched me learn and grow....and you have loved and cared for me. Thank You.

To those of you who want to change me?

Lay Off. I'm not interested and I am happy with the person who I am becoming.

~Stephanie

Relationships

I'm one of those divorcees. The kind that wonders if true love exists, if what society deems the RIGHT type of relationship is right for me. I wonder if one person can really love you for all eternity despite all of your flaws and differences. I wonder if I'll ever find someone that I want to marry again..I wonder these things a lot.

I'm fairly certain that's a healthy part of getting divorced. Discovering and Exploring new things...'finding yourself'...all that ooey-gooey stuff..

But, recently, relationships have captured me. Caused me to question everything. I know I've already said that - but I have to drive this point home. What do I really believe about love and relationships?

Society has taught us that you date, find 'the one' get married, have kids and live happily ever after with a few bumps in the road - you know, nothing a little therapy can't fix. But, I found 'the one' - got married, didn't have kids - and had bumps in the road that therapy could not fix. We changed grew apart, fell out love, lost love and was too far gone to find it again. Judge all you want - this is my story.

Two months after telling my Husband, I want a divorce...I'm here. Single, living alone (this is a really big deal to me, something you'll find as a reoccurring topic in my blogs), establishing new friends, new relationships, searching for answers about God, Love, Life and the like...

So as every book lover does; I have read and purchased many books about relationships, love, life and God...

I've read a ton of books. Books about: open marriages/relationships, diverse families, plural families, homosexual families, 'standard' families, mixed race/religion families...Oh Man. Relationships and families - have really been on my mind.

I do not have any conclusions just personal challenges...

I do not believe that I need society to dictate my life. I do not believe that I have to live along the lines of what society has deemed acceptable. I do not believe that love is finite - I believe that you can love multiple people and that love will not run out, "Love begets Love" (Jenny Block, author of Open: Love, Sex & Life in an Open Marriage) and I believe that quote. I believe that the more you love the more love you have to hand out. Oh Man, I should write a blog about this - alone...it'll be a doozy, you just wait...

It's been a wonderful personal adventure starting with a divorce...it's hard way to start a personal adventure - but I am embracing this part of my life. It is what it is. I cannot change it. I cannot make him love me. I cannot make him be who I am want him to be and visa versa...so, what do you do?

You grab yourself by the balls, stand-up, be the adult you are - and work hard at becoming a better version of yourself.

~Stephanie

**Keep watch for my "Love Begets Love" Blog/Rant