Change is a Bitch.

I know her personally, and I do not like her. She always seems to pop up when I'm getting comfortable, when I've settled, when I feel as if I'm right where I need to be - whether or not that be the case.

When I see her coming, I run...I push, I fight and struggle, and always lose the battle...most often, hurting myself and others in the process.

I have tried over the years to learn to adapt to her, to embrace her, to treat her as a friend...and each time she comes by I find myself resorting to my old M.O. and resisting.

The problem is that she will always be a part of my life. She will always be there, threatening to return at a moment's notice. She appears when you're expecting her, and sometimes appears when you had no idea she'd be arriving on your doorstep needing a home for a bit.

So, then, how is it that I am to learn to adapt to her existence? How, then, do I actually embrace her?

I often think if I look at the good in the situation, it'll help. But I am pessimistic by nature and have a hard time seeing the good beyond what I see as a total system break down and take over.

Yep. Change is a bitch. And no matter what I do, or how well or horribly I handle her, she will always be there and will always be a bitch.

~Stephanie

I'm not Broken, nor have my batteries run out...

Ever since the announcement of my divorce people have begun to treat me differently.

They no longer feel as if they can share news about, marriage, babies, new homes, new adventures, and so on. Additionally, when they see me - they expect me to be sad down-trodden and incapable of surviving my day-to-day life. They expect to need to be my shoulder, the strong rock in the face of such adversity -

What they don't understand is that they are creating the very adversity they are trying to avoid.

The decision for the divorce was mutual, and it has been nearly a year at this point (okay maybe 10ish months - close enough) and I am no longer mourning this loss.

I am excited about your life and your exciting news. I want to share in the joys of your life, I want to be there with you, for you - in whatever way I can. Even that means a simple "congratulations" - I am the same person I was before, just minus a Husband.

What makes me different is the loss of friends that I have experienced since the divorce. My friends, I miss in a way that I cannot explain. I miss the connections, closeness, football games, movies, drinks & fun we experienced.

I understand a divorce is sticky and complicated - but I don't need your shoulder. I need your friendship.

Please let me back in to your life - because I miss you.

~Stephanie

Getting Lost

Alex and I have similar interests. We like creepy/spooky things.

We had a day planned to explore Washington's "wilder" side. We found a website focusing in on Washington State Ghost Towns. After having decided that we wanted a shorter day with a delicious dinner to accompany hiking we took a look at Ghost Towns in King County. Lo and Behold - there was an old abandoned mining town just outside of Newcastle. GOLDEN.

Equipped with a map, water, snacks, flashlight, Swiss Army Knife and rain gear we headed out to Red Town Trail Head.

Anyway, we start off hiking. Decide we want to head towards and old dam. So we walk the .3 miles to get to this weird dam site - I guess - there was a short and not long wall that looks like it may have been man made. We don't know. We turn around and head towards the "anti-aircraft" site. We don't know what this is either, but we have a map - so off we go. It's a rather long hike that ends up dropping us at 1430ft. in elevation at a picnic site. Huh. We look at the time and it's 5:30 - we decide it's time to head back. After a short discussion and walking in a circle I make the executive decision that we need to head back the way we came - you know, it's predictable and quicker. Might I take this moment to mention that at the trail head there was a sign letting us know how to handle bears and cougars if we approach them.

We're heading back, talking about the various things one would decide to talk about while on a nice long hike...when we come to a "Y" in the trail. We look at the sign and neither of the trails are trails we've heard of - nor do either of them really make us feel like we'll be heading back the way we came. After a moment of collective frustration and confusion - we look at the trusty map created by King County Parks. This does not help much. It is getting dark, we make a decision about which trail to take. I notice, at this time, Alex has his army knife in his hand. I choose to ignore this as it seems like a really shitty beginning to a Stephen King novel.

As we continue to come across these really annoying trail splits it quickly becomes quite clear to me that we're lost. It's getting dark, and Alex is still carrying that damn knife. I begin to make mental preparations for 'camping out' in the wilderness where wild animals roam free, thinking about our provisions, how will we protect each other, and what do we have to get us through a night.

Yep, there are the signs. Heart pounding, shaking of hands, stress, crazy mental cycle...blah blah blah..if you have experienced anxiety - you know the feelings/signs. As I'm talking myself into panic, I talk myself out of panic...knowing full well panic will not solve anything.

We finally come across a sign pointing us towards the Red Town Trail Head!! I do a little Stephanie jig and yell at Alex - "We're headed the right way, let's go!!" So we walk some more and come across one more sign, telling us that if we just "off road" 200ft into the woods we'll be at the trail sight. Panic Panic Panic. What?!?! How does this make any sense? The trail head is a parking lot - being in the middle of "off road" woods will NOT get us to any sort of trail head.

Thankfully, Alex was not at the panic point I was. He suggested we walk, not into the woods, but past the sign following the trail. (He's a smart Man.) And YAY - there was our car. Relief flooded me as I gave Alex a huge hug and praised him for handling me with such grace...

My point? Getting lost sucks. You have a map, tools and it's all planned out. It's perfect. However, it never is perfect and it never goes the way you expected nor planned. You get lost, you have to re-route, and find your way on a completely different trail than you were ever planning.

This is the beauty of life.

~Stephanie

***This is my account of our day. Alex's account may be different - as we were together both living different moments and thoughts - while operating through separate filters.

Expectations Suck

Expectations are ugly things. I try to make a goal in my life to keep myself from developing expectations and when I do I try and communicate them, if reasonable and necessary, so that I do not get hurt.

However, every once in awhile an expectation creeps in and I recognize those oh so annoying feelings of frustration and self-hatred when I find myself disappointed.

It is even more annoying because the source of these feelings is all self-created.

I believe expectations are founded in the mentality that people should consider you and what it is that you would want. What it is in each situation that you would prefer and would make you most comfortable. This mentality is selfish and narcissistic in nature. I understand the desire to have people consider you, however, this is not a reality. As humans are, naturally, selfish in nature. I know this thought goes against the grain, and isn't fun to think about. However, I believe it's true.

Hence the desire and goal to never have expectations.

This is not an easy thing to accomplish, given we all think about the future and our goals and how we want people to react and respond to us. It's a fight. It's an exhausting uphill battle to grasp the idea that if you 'need' it - you must ask for it.

I'm terrible at this. I wont ever ask, and will sit in my shit for days on end wishing I wasn't - but refusing to do a damn thing about it.

I do not have the happy medium. Clearly an issue.

~Stephanie

Ooof...here I go again...

Sometimes I wish I were more eloquent.

As I sit here I have a rant in my head, that could be better written by some of my fellow bloggers. As, I am not a smart writer - I just write. It comes from my brain...huh....I guess all writing starts there. I promise that was not a ruse to prove my point.

Lately, I've been a bore. Life has been all about digging deep, discovering oneself, having the tough conversations and questioning what society has to offer me and what I want to choose for myself.

I have been a talkaholic. Constantly. Talking, ranting, dreaming, scheming, yelling, bitching, arguing, bickering...and so on...As you notice, most of those are power words. Yes, please throw me against a wall with a wink...

Anyway, I was at hemp fest this weekend. As I walk around looking at bongs - or I'm sorry, water pipes, as is politically correct. I realize the craftsmanship that goes into this glassblowing process...tis incredible. Also, I see the crowd of people (I heard around 30,000) crammed into this teeny tiny park, 90% of them high, being so calm and peaceful. Enjoying themselves, eating greasy food, sharing in a similar belief and cause, smoking pot together and experiencing something that can rarely be experienced in the wonderful US of A. I was lying down and watching all these people around me, and decided to think about this situation, but instead of weed, it's liquor. Let me tell you, that the scene would not have been so peaceful. It makes me wonder why marijuana is still illegal - I have other reasons for wondering this, however, it just sparks more curiosity. When I learned why pot became illegal in the first place it made me really mad. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marijuana_legalization)

There is this horrible stigma that goes with pot. If you're a pothead, you're lazy, can't go to work...and are probably a hippy living off the government's salary and raising my taxes...thanks for that stigma Roosevelt and all the other idiots who cannot think for themselves. It agitates me that this mentality about marijuana is still here today and its almost 2010. Are we really still thinking with our heads up our ass?

Anyway, I find myself constantly irritated at the irrationality (is that a word) of the general population in my country. When eavesdropping on conversations on the bus or in the streets, or in store lines, I realize that a lot of people really take this quote to heart, and it's painful...

"I believe everything I read, and I think that makes me a more selective person." Nigel Tufnel, This is Spinal Tap

Its just dumb.

Anyway, there is no point to this post....other than to say that its just dumb.

~Stephanie

Music

Music speaks to me, like it does for most people.

When I hear a song that I love, I attach to it. I see my life in the song. I feel the song - in a place within myself that I cannot explain. There is a sense of true euphoria that goes along with music, with lyrics, with the song.

I love all types of music (except techno). Each genre can put me in a place that I can only feel when that song or style is playing.

I remember when I was in 8th grade, going through my emo - before emo was popular phase...as most teenagers do. I would sit in my room with the lights off, candles lit, listening to music, writing poetry and dreaming of what life could be.

I would have never guessed that life would lead me here. Lead me to a place of unending questions, lead me to a place of uncertainty, lead me to divorce at 25, lead me into a new life, a new career opportunity, and lead me a place of unending possibilities.

Often, I go back and listen to the music of my younger years and remember in fond detail the places, people, the loves, the hurts, the desires, and the dreams.

Music brings me back to who I am. Music allows me to connect to myself, and allows me to feel and share feelings with that 3minute song - that no one will ever share with me.

I have a strong respect and passion for music. For there is nothing else in this world that makes me feel what music makes me feel.

~Stephanie

Musing - about it all...

Do you ever just want to have a conversation with someone who believes the polar opposite of what you believe? Just to ask questions, gain perspective, learn something new. Not to try and 'convert' them to your ways or to try and 'teach them a lesson'...just understand them. Where they come from and how they can possibly believe something so different from you? Do you find it as frustrating as I do that these types of conversations can rarely happen? People find it so bothersome that you don't agree with them, or believe what they believe. Like you disagreeing is a personal hit on that person. I don't want to argue. I just want to understand.

It baffles me that when I'm anywhere - all the people around me have a destination. Every person, has a story. A life. A place. And in that moment, you are sharing in their life. You are entering their world for just a brief moment. AND depending on, said encounter, you may make a difference. When I start thinking about each individual person, and where they are going and where they are coming from and what their life, and how they live - I just want to go crazy, and understand them.

I hate small talk. Yes, I will talk about the weather with you and generally shoot the shit for a minute or two - if its necessary. BUT, I would much prefer to talk to you. To get to know you. To understand you. I'm a bit nosy, in the sense, that I am question asker. I want to find what will get you to open up so I can learn about you. I rarely follow through with this, and that bugs me.

I am a passionate person, and selfishly want everyone else to be passionate too. You do not need to be passionate about what I'm passionate about. I just want to see you get excited or worked up about something. Nothing stirs me - the way being around a group of people who are 'there' for a higher purpose than themselves. A group of people gathering, rallying for anything..it excites me and it inspires me. It gets the hair on my neck to stand up and I begin to feel that camaraderie that everyone else is feeling. I want to be a part of it.

When I'm looking at you, and can see your eyes. But cannot see the world through your eyes. It makes me sad.

I want to dance and sing. Always. So, I do. However, this is something only a few select people get to be a part of. Its me. Being me, being goofy. Its who I am when I am alone. I fear people wont like this side of me. So, I keep it under wraps, until I feel like you love me enough - to love that side as well.

I like to laugh. This is new, as of a few years ago. I've always been a rather happy person, but did not have a great sense of humor. NOW, I think nearly everything is funny. And I have a loud guttural laugh that shocks people. I like that about myself.

I have a friend who is incredible (I have lots of great friends, but this Woman inspires me). I have known her since I was 6 - and have considered her one of my best friends for nearly 20 years. She possesses so many qualities that I strive for on a daily basis. She is smart. She is strong. She is beautiful. She is optimistic. She is full of drive. She is funny. She is caring and compassionate. She is non-judgemental. She is there for you. She is so many things. I love her.

Do you ever wonder about things that have not been discovered or invented yet? Dear Lord, I do. I like to ponder the innumerable possibilities that the technology and creativity of all the people in the world bring to the table. I like to think about what the 'next best thing' is. This thought, keeps me up at night.

I giggle at the newest cell phones. Years ago we had these big clunky cell phones that were for emergencies only. As time and popularity grew the experts worked so hard to make cell phones smaller and more convenient. BUT, with the release of the IPhone, it is now, better to have a bigger cell phone. It's like fashion. The trends repeat. I'm certain the experts are already working on a way to make smart phones smaller.

Deja Vu creeps me out. I think about this a lot too. I want to know what it is, and how it works and what is causing it....which leads me to...

The fact that I wish we could study the brain more effectively. It's an incredible tool that used by animals and people alike, on a daily basis. Yet, we know so little about it. I am waiting for the day that science can teach us more about the brain. How it works, and why we are the way we are.

It drives me stinking crazy that sometimes I just have to accept that there are certain things I'll never know.

Shit, this is long. I'm stopping...

~Stephanie

Assumptions

Assumptions, truly are horrible things.

However, it is, in most situations, nearly impossible to not make an assumption.

It is human nature to desire conclusion to desire closure and to desire information. So, it would make sense that we seek these things with the information that has been given to us.

Many times the assumptions we make about people, places, things, ideas, thoughts and stuff are not anywhere near the truth nor are they logical.

We live in such a self-centered world - and for good reason.

I don't know who is reading this right now, I don't know what you're doing, and I don't know what you're thinking. All I know is my life and my mind.

Therefore, the conclusions I draw will probably be about me.

I work so hard to not be one of those people. I try so hard to not make assumptions. Yet, I do it.

And often times once the assumption has been made, and things have happened to further confirm this truth - we begin to believe that our assumption is fact. After all, the conclusion only makes sense.

Then when you make a statement about 'your assumption' - people look at you like you are from another planet. As, your thought is nowhere near the truth.

So, then, how do we keep ourselves from making assumptions?

Do we stick our nose where it doesn't belong and ask questions to draw a more educated opinion? Do we just choose to not care about it, and distance our self? But, what if the situation directly involves you?

How do you go from your assumption to actual fact?

I don't know - maybe I should try and find a book that addresses this universal problem.

~Stephanie

Random musings about jobs...

Job searching is hard.

In today's market you have to make sure that your resume is well polished, that your cover letter stands out - and that you, as a person are marketable.

I do not like this.

I don't have much training, I didn't go to college and have worked a number of odd-jobs throughout my years that does not give me any qualifications for the many of open positions out there.

I know that I'm a good employee. I am valuable to a team, and can represent myself and a company in a way that would make anyone proud. Believe it or not.

However, with my lack of training and my lack of experience in any particular field makes this job searching stuff difficult.

The jobs I want are not available - and although, I could excel at these positions my lack of experience is a deterrent to any employer who may come across my resume.

How then, do I out-shine people who may have more qualifications than me?

I get them to meet me. On paper, I am weak. In person, I am well spoken, well put together, and can convince you that I am the absolute best person for this job.

I have never interviewed for a job - in which I was not offered the position I was interviewing for.

Okay, here is my problem. In this busy job market AND lack of contact people via anything but email - convincing people to meet me is NOT easy. I cannot bother them via telephone and show them how determined I am. Email can be easily ignored phone calls, however, cannot. Which has me convinced this is all a scam to keep me from working. That's a lie.

However, what is true - is that I am doing what I can to get a job, to find a job and to keep a job for longer than a year.

Oy.

~Stephanie

False Sense of Reality

I feel a strong desire to connect with people - on a level that is strange and admittedly a little creepy.

I'm connected with someone as I sit next to them, at lunch, on the bus, in the coffee shop - and that is whether I know them or not.

If I can - I will breathe in the same rhythm you breathe. I will try and read at your pace - turn the page when you turn the page, I will look at your IPOD and try and see if we have similar music tastes.

Granted, this connection is all one-sided as I'm sure the Man on the bus listening to Kings of Leon while I'm also listening to Kings of Leon - has no idea that I have inserted myself into his life.

I realize this makes me seem so stalkerish...But, I have to say that I have created a life, in which, I have believed that I could exist when no others were in existence. The idea of living the rest of my life without another person, was okay. Was preferred.

How wrong was I? How can I say this was my true created reality - when I'm searching for ways to connect?

I find comfort in being surrounded by people. I find comfort in connecting with people on a level that is self-created and self-understood.

I need people, more than I could ever had imagined.

We all do.

~Stephanie

I did NOT take your place - you left your space...

As this chapter in my life is coming to an end - I am again reminded of the place where I always end up.

In your place.

It seems as if where I go - I take your place. I do not mean to, and this is not something I strive for. But, it always happens.

I get blamed for people leaving you aside. You are the victim and I am the problem.

You feel as if my absense will put you back where you feel you belong.

It wont.

What you don't understand is that you chose to leave your space. You chose to burn bridges, it just happened when I entered the picture.

It is silly to blame me for your insecurities, your doubt in yourself, your faults. But, you cannot fathom that you have done something wrong. That you have created your own reality.

I am not the cool chick. I am not the love of the people who abandoned you. I am not your answer to your hard self created self-loathing.

I am not your problem.

Therefore, I implore you - move on. Look within yourself - see yourself in your problems.

They are self-created.

~Stephanie

The Little Black Book

In 9th Grade my friend 'Bean' and I had one of those little black notebooks you had to have for school.

Ours, however, was our tricky way of passing notes. It was brilliant.

I would write what I wanted/needed to say. Stick it in my locker. She would go to my locker, get the book and write what she wanted/needed to say and stick it in my locker.

We wrote about boys, classes, girls we didn't like, teachers, life and all sorts of other random things that 14yr olds find important.

Our Boyfriends found this book enchanting, something to be desired, something that needed to be read. They wanted to know if they were in the book, what we said about them, who else we talked about. It drove them crazy.

I made the silly mistake of giving my boyfriend my locker combination. You know this was the 'right of passage' into junior high relationships; before you could exchange house keys, we exchanged locker combination.

In retrospect, I wonder how much of a 'silly' mistake it was, or how much of it was this manipulative desire to stick the book under his nose and tempt him with it. I think it was the latter. Come on, I was 14.

Well, of course, they got it and read it. Never told us, until one day - I flip to the next blank page where there is a note from both, my boyfriend and Bean's boyfriend. Holy Shit!! I panicked - while smiling inside. He knows all my secrets. My memory is trying to decide whether we chided the boys about this or never mentioned it. Leaving this book to be elephant that hung in the air.

My favorite part about this book was the 'irritation section' - yes, we had a bitch column. We numbered the things that irritated us. AND oh boy, as youngsters everything irritated us. The way so and so butted into our conversations. The way Mr. Jones picked me out of the crowd to 'pick on me' - but he liked me. To this day, I do not know why he likes me.

(((Side Rant: OH - this totally reminds me of the silly things from that class. Matt throwing spit balls, Bryan not being able to pronounce words correctly, the damn required extra credit, drawing on the desks and on our hands <- which I was not allowed to do. Seriously, had to run home and upstairs everyday after school and wash my hands with this freakin' industrial soap my Dad had...Making up stories to taunt people with...OH - that was a grand class.)))

Back on point.

This book, was my connection to Bean. My connection to my teen years. It was mine. It was ours. Email is great, IM'ing is great, Facebook is great. But, none of those things will connect me to a time in my life like the excitement of this notebook. It had all of our secrets, dreams, desires and irritations.

I wonder/wish/hope that Bean still has that book, tucked away somewhere. It is unlikely as that was 10years ago. BUT, I would love to dive back into that young girl's mind, with the wisdom I posses now, and escape to the mind of a young child full of ideas, dreams, and not a care in the world.

Life was so simple back then.

~Stephanie

You really don't need to know this....Oh Well...

As I'm looking at 2.5days left at my job - I start thinking about my life goals. I have many of them, most of them, are un-attainable.

This is on purpose.

The idea of accomplishing all my goals - is my biggest fear. I hate the idea of doing it all, doing everything with my life that I want to do...cause, then what?

Just to share:

**I want to read all the books. Yes, all of them.

**I want to own a company called, Questionable Authority, Inc. What this company does - is one of the following things:
a) House homeless people. Have a system set-up, in which, this house is a half-way house for homeless people trying to get back on their feet.
b) Advocate for people who have been screwed over - by anything
c) Be a super successful Marketing Firm
d) A Screen writing Company
Those are just a few ideas that I have..

**I want to travel the world. Yes, the whole world.


**I want to work in a government firm of some kind - undercover....doing scary and dangerous things, all in the name of justice.

**I want to be a judge

**I want to be a successful lawyer - own my own firm. It'd be a defense attorney type of situation....yes, I know, dad is a cop - this is a sin.

**Be the hottest and best female drummer in a super successful Rock Band.

**In my band, I'd also sing and dance

**Be a competition dancer and shooter (I'd win)

**Rescue Dogs and cats - house them.

**Be a professional Dog Walker

**Be a super successful personal assistant for a super high powered jerk

**Be purposefully funny

**Be a fulltime student for life. Have tons of degrees in a wide variety of things

I know it's an odd list. But, it's my list. I dream of all of these things, regularly, no wonder, I cannot pick a major, cannot pick a career path. I want to do it all.

I want to be successful at it all.

But, I never want to complete even half of this list -

~Stephanie

Your Scent - it stopped me.

I smelled you this morning.

You know, I have not thought about you like that in a long time. In fact, I had even forgotten what you smelled like.

But this morning, in passing, I smelled you. I was instantly taken back to watching movies on your couch, the photolab, learning to play guitar, listening to Good Charlotte, walking to Woodinville, having a snow fight...I remembered so many good things - that I had forgotten. You know, we did have some good times.

For five years, I dreamt of a possible life with you. We were a wreck, a train wreck. It never would have worked - but I did dream.

You were and still are - different. A quiet rebel. Something to admire.

I had forgotten that in you. Until, this morning.

When I smelled you.

~Stephanie

Saying Goodbye is never easy....

My contract is coming to an end. GameHouse - a place where I find solace, love, friendships and family will no longer be my home. It is so hard to look at the people that I have grown to love and know that I will not be seeing them every day - and to know that no one will ever impact my life the way GameHouse has.

GH has been my rock, my foundation, my source of comfort in times of need and loneliness.

GH is my family.

I can not express nor show the all the ways that each of these people have impacted my life - but I'm going to give it a go:

Kraig: You have become one of my closest friends. You have been a shoulder for tears, a friend for advice and we have lots of fun together!! You mean a lot to me, and I love you very much.

Alex: We didn't get close until recently, but the last few months of time with you and getting to know you has been fantastic and I do not have words to describe how I feel about you. You are special and have helped me through some really tough times, you've been there for me in more ways than twenty. You are very important to me and I love you.

Ian: You gave me a home when I was homeless. You have been a friend, a roommate, a sober friend when I was too drunk to function, a source of good advice and long, good, intense, rich conversations. AND you teach me a lot, Love you!!!

Tyler: T-Bone!! You crack me up daily. You have taught me to embrace my heavy side, enjoy the rain, laugh at my stupidity and make up shit about inventions to piss off Ian. And have taught me about witty banter - like no one else has. I don't really love you because you're too thin - I may change my tune when you shoot a gun!

Nick: You're a pain in my ass, but I appreciate you!! You were my first friend and GH, and you have been there for me in many ways. I will miss learning all sorts of new fangled Jiu-Jitsu moves in case I'm attacked on the streets - and I may need to contact you to be reminded of how much of a heinous bitch I truely am. I don't think anyone else gets that like you do.

Deon: It's been refreshing to have another girl in QA. We didn't get to spend much time together, but I know you can keep these boys in line!! You rock!!

Craig: I will miss not having a crass man at my desk every day. You have made me embrace the feeling of fake molestation and I will miss you.

Chuck: You make me laugh. You are totally erratic and crazy, and I appreciate that. I will miss the daily, "So...Steph...." when questions of my ability are challenged. It's good stuff. You keep me on my toes.

Marcus: You're a rad boss. You've been a good source of advice and help. You've been there for me, and always have a good idea to pass on when I've needed it the most. Thank You.

I really wish I could list all 56 of my fellow employees on here - as they have all impacted my life in one way or another.

I have learned a lot about myself and about others through this time in my life. You have been with me through my toughest journey's and have always been there for me. You have never abandoned me nor made me feel like I am anything less than loved.

I love You all!!

~Stephanie

Putting Love aside and Moving On....

When I was 16(ish) I met a boy that just made my world go round.

He was 19 and dreamy - totally tall, dark and handsome. He was sweet, caring, genuine, thoughtful, and into me...or so I thought.

Him and I were good friends - and moving towards a relationship. Seriously, he called me when he said he was going to. Clearly, it was love.

We had so much fun when we together, we ate at great restaurants, watched the sun go down at the beach, laughed - a lot, and had these 'moments' that were so special and unique.

Things started to get 'sticky' - he wasn't interested in getting serious and I was young. So, I adapted. Became less like a girlfriend and more like a friend. I was there for him through all of his girl problems, and one particular night - he came over....we were laying on my floor by candlelight listening to romantic love music, cuddling....he whispered in my ear, "I want someone like you to be my wife."

Oh My. I wasn't sure how to take that or what that meant, but I was certain he was interested in a relationship, otherwise, why would he have said that?

At that time, however, I was not interested. I had my eye on someone else, and that comment was a bit intense. I told him to go home.

He did.

We maintained a friendship for years - with some issues here and there over the closeness we shared at times. I always thought he'd come crawling "back" to me, and he always did - but always at the wrong times.

Through much of my younger years, I thought I loved him. I thought we'd find a middle ground and somehow end up together.

The truth is, I do love him, very much. As a friend, he's a great guy - and very important to me. He understands me, and he gets me. And he cares very much.

It's so nice to be an adult now, with adult ideas and perspectives. It gives the world a fresh take.

He was not my White Knight on a White Horse there to save me.

~Stephanie

Another nonsensical blog about things....

I will admit that I LOVE LOVE LOVE the blog world.

Reading people's thoughts, feelings, emotions, dreams, goals, ideas and all that stuff in their words from their point of view - really regenerates me.

Everyone I know - and the blogs of people I don't' know - is going through a different phase and place in life and I love reading about it.

It makes me feel fresh, new, and all sorts of perspectivilized (it's a good real word - hush).

Since I'm going through a different place in my life than I ever thought I would be going through...and am navigating as best as possible and finding the joy and love in the world around me - and working to achieve pure real genuine happiness....it's so great to read about other people who have gone through, and are going through the things I'm going through (you know, life...) and they've come out on top and as a better person.

I've made it a personal goal to not identify myself as 'divorced' - I've known many women who carry this torch as if it's who they are - not something they've been through. I've watched bitterness grow and harvest into a really big tree - and it's sad.

I don't want to be a victim of my circumstances - I want to OWN my circumstances. I want to stare at my circumstances in the face and say, "Hello Friend. Let's do this together." and eventually leave those circumstances in the dust.

Is this some new-age fangled scary way of thinking? I think not.

The world is a better place when we are all working to achieve something greater than ourselves and learn from each other - with open minds and open hearts.

~Stephanie

You had it coming....

I think people have gotten the wrong impression.

As commented on my last blog - I am apparently feeling/exploring all sorts of avenues and ideas that are not appropriate - that claim I have walked away from Faith, God and all that applies - that has also implied I am not following a good path and need prayer. It all feels very judgmental.

I have received numerous emails from people about how my divorce has made me walk away from the Lord. That I'm walking with the devil. That I'm horrible. That I'm selfish. That I'm not catering to my torn apart sad down-trodden husband, who is begging for me to return ( <- Just to clear things up - this is not his stance. ) That I have somehow become the satanist whore... That I am searching for things that are of this world. That I'm being unruly....honestly? I could keep going. And Honestly..................STOP!!

I appreciate being loved and cared for. But - judging and telling me how horrible I am...is not love and not care. It's a selfish desire to make people live life YOUR way.

I'm not sure if you know this or not - but judging is also a sin. <- In fact, I think this is talked about often in the bible. So stop. Otherwise, you're just as bad as this self-centered Satan filled self-gratifying worshiper - that you have pegged me to be.

I am on a search - I am on a journey. I am taking a really shitty situation and I am trying to learn from it. I am trying to better myself and I am trying to become a person who is not going to continue to make the mistakes I made in my marriage.

Am I sad that it all came down this way? Of course I am. Do I wish we could have jumped in years ago and saved it? Of course I do. But, that was not the way the cookie crumbled. And if we're not meant for each other - don't you Self-Righteous Christians out there believe this is a part of God's plan and there is someone better suited for each of us out there?

I am irritated. And I have sat back for nearly 3months and peacefully dealt with the judgment and the blame you have cast on me. I have been the bigger person. I have been the more loving person. I have been the things to you - that we, as friends, should be to each other.

As Jon has said, this whole situation will help us weed out the people who really care...

For those of you who have truly cared - and there have been many. Thank You. I appreciate you. I appreciate your willingness to hold my hand and help me walk through this process....you have seen the parts of me that have struggled to deal with this. You have watched me learn and grow....and you have loved and cared for me. Thank You.

To those of you who want to change me?

Lay Off. I'm not interested and I am happy with the person who I am becoming.

~Stephanie

Relationships

I'm one of those divorcees. The kind that wonders if true love exists, if what society deems the RIGHT type of relationship is right for me. I wonder if one person can really love you for all eternity despite all of your flaws and differences. I wonder if I'll ever find someone that I want to marry again..I wonder these things a lot.

I'm fairly certain that's a healthy part of getting divorced. Discovering and Exploring new things...'finding yourself'...all that ooey-gooey stuff..

But, recently, relationships have captured me. Caused me to question everything. I know I've already said that - but I have to drive this point home. What do I really believe about love and relationships?

Society has taught us that you date, find 'the one' get married, have kids and live happily ever after with a few bumps in the road - you know, nothing a little therapy can't fix. But, I found 'the one' - got married, didn't have kids - and had bumps in the road that therapy could not fix. We changed grew apart, fell out love, lost love and was too far gone to find it again. Judge all you want - this is my story.

Two months after telling my Husband, I want a divorce...I'm here. Single, living alone (this is a really big deal to me, something you'll find as a reoccurring topic in my blogs), establishing new friends, new relationships, searching for answers about God, Love, Life and the like...

So as every book lover does; I have read and purchased many books about relationships, love, life and God...

I've read a ton of books. Books about: open marriages/relationships, diverse families, plural families, homosexual families, 'standard' families, mixed race/religion families...Oh Man. Relationships and families - have really been on my mind.

I do not have any conclusions just personal challenges...

I do not believe that I need society to dictate my life. I do not believe that I have to live along the lines of what society has deemed acceptable. I do not believe that love is finite - I believe that you can love multiple people and that love will not run out, "Love begets Love" (Jenny Block, author of Open: Love, Sex & Life in an Open Marriage) and I believe that quote. I believe that the more you love the more love you have to hand out. Oh Man, I should write a blog about this - alone...it'll be a doozy, you just wait...

It's been a wonderful personal adventure starting with a divorce...it's hard way to start a personal adventure - but I am embracing this part of my life. It is what it is. I cannot change it. I cannot make him love me. I cannot make him be who I am want him to be and visa versa...so, what do you do?

You grab yourself by the balls, stand-up, be the adult you are - and work hard at becoming a better version of yourself.

~Stephanie

**Keep watch for my "Love Begets Love" Blog/Rant

My Love Affair...

Never have I felt more at home or more at peace than when I am with my one true love.

Books.

Today I got to spend quite a few hours in a famous bookstore in Denver. I was breathing in the experience and realized that books - make me, who I am.

When I talk about, dream about or read about books - I get so excited I begin to shake.

When people ask me what kind-of books I read, I launch into a really long explanation about all the books I like to read, have read and will read. I'm always proud to announce that my queue is approximately 30books long.

I talk about books like I would talk about a lover. I divulge my most intimate moments and details that I have experienced through books.

Anyway - back to the bookstore...

It was three stories - yes, three!! Filled from top to bottom with books, so many books.

Being surrounded by the literature, wisdom and knowledge that is shared through these books - makes me feel empowered. Like all the worlds secrets are right there at my finger tips.

As I begin a list of all the new books I want to read - I have to fight to not purchase them.

I dream about a day when I can purchase all the books in the world and have my own library filled with so much knowledge - any regular person would be over-whelmed.

I hopped around from section to section finding all sorts of treasures - philosophy, psycology, cooking, biography, auto-biography, memoirs, fiction, non-fiction, business, culture, history...and so many more.

Thinking about my experiences with books makes me feel euphoric - enlightened.

If you read and love books as much as me - please let me know...I am always looking for people to talk about books with...

I mean, seriously, it's the greatest love affair of my life...