I'm not Broken, nor have my batteries run out...

Ever since the announcement of my divorce people have begun to treat me differently.

They no longer feel as if they can share news about, marriage, babies, new homes, new adventures, and so on. Additionally, when they see me - they expect me to be sad down-trodden and incapable of surviving my day-to-day life. They expect to need to be my shoulder, the strong rock in the face of such adversity -

What they don't understand is that they are creating the very adversity they are trying to avoid.

The decision for the divorce was mutual, and it has been nearly a year at this point (okay maybe 10ish months - close enough) and I am no longer mourning this loss.

I am excited about your life and your exciting news. I want to share in the joys of your life, I want to be there with you, for you - in whatever way I can. Even that means a simple "congratulations" - I am the same person I was before, just minus a Husband.

What makes me different is the loss of friends that I have experienced since the divorce. My friends, I miss in a way that I cannot explain. I miss the connections, closeness, football games, movies, drinks & fun we experienced.

I understand a divorce is sticky and complicated - but I don't need your shoulder. I need your friendship.

Please let me back in to your life - because I miss you.

~Stephanie

Getting Lost

Alex and I have similar interests. We like creepy/spooky things.

We had a day planned to explore Washington's "wilder" side. We found a website focusing in on Washington State Ghost Towns. After having decided that we wanted a shorter day with a delicious dinner to accompany hiking we took a look at Ghost Towns in King County. Lo and Behold - there was an old abandoned mining town just outside of Newcastle. GOLDEN.

Equipped with a map, water, snacks, flashlight, Swiss Army Knife and rain gear we headed out to Red Town Trail Head.

Anyway, we start off hiking. Decide we want to head towards and old dam. So we walk the .3 miles to get to this weird dam site - I guess - there was a short and not long wall that looks like it may have been man made. We don't know. We turn around and head towards the "anti-aircraft" site. We don't know what this is either, but we have a map - so off we go. It's a rather long hike that ends up dropping us at 1430ft. in elevation at a picnic site. Huh. We look at the time and it's 5:30 - we decide it's time to head back. After a short discussion and walking in a circle I make the executive decision that we need to head back the way we came - you know, it's predictable and quicker. Might I take this moment to mention that at the trail head there was a sign letting us know how to handle bears and cougars if we approach them.

We're heading back, talking about the various things one would decide to talk about while on a nice long hike...when we come to a "Y" in the trail. We look at the sign and neither of the trails are trails we've heard of - nor do either of them really make us feel like we'll be heading back the way we came. After a moment of collective frustration and confusion - we look at the trusty map created by King County Parks. This does not help much. It is getting dark, we make a decision about which trail to take. I notice, at this time, Alex has his army knife in his hand. I choose to ignore this as it seems like a really shitty beginning to a Stephen King novel.

As we continue to come across these really annoying trail splits it quickly becomes quite clear to me that we're lost. It's getting dark, and Alex is still carrying that damn knife. I begin to make mental preparations for 'camping out' in the wilderness where wild animals roam free, thinking about our provisions, how will we protect each other, and what do we have to get us through a night.

Yep, there are the signs. Heart pounding, shaking of hands, stress, crazy mental cycle...blah blah blah..if you have experienced anxiety - you know the feelings/signs. As I'm talking myself into panic, I talk myself out of panic...knowing full well panic will not solve anything.

We finally come across a sign pointing us towards the Red Town Trail Head!! I do a little Stephanie jig and yell at Alex - "We're headed the right way, let's go!!" So we walk some more and come across one more sign, telling us that if we just "off road" 200ft into the woods we'll be at the trail sight. Panic Panic Panic. What?!?! How does this make any sense? The trail head is a parking lot - being in the middle of "off road" woods will NOT get us to any sort of trail head.

Thankfully, Alex was not at the panic point I was. He suggested we walk, not into the woods, but past the sign following the trail. (He's a smart Man.) And YAY - there was our car. Relief flooded me as I gave Alex a huge hug and praised him for handling me with such grace...

My point? Getting lost sucks. You have a map, tools and it's all planned out. It's perfect. However, it never is perfect and it never goes the way you expected nor planned. You get lost, you have to re-route, and find your way on a completely different trail than you were ever planning.

This is the beauty of life.

~Stephanie

***This is my account of our day. Alex's account may be different - as we were together both living different moments and thoughts - while operating through separate filters.

Expectations Suck

Expectations are ugly things. I try to make a goal in my life to keep myself from developing expectations and when I do I try and communicate them, if reasonable and necessary, so that I do not get hurt.

However, every once in awhile an expectation creeps in and I recognize those oh so annoying feelings of frustration and self-hatred when I find myself disappointed.

It is even more annoying because the source of these feelings is all self-created.

I believe expectations are founded in the mentality that people should consider you and what it is that you would want. What it is in each situation that you would prefer and would make you most comfortable. This mentality is selfish and narcissistic in nature. I understand the desire to have people consider you, however, this is not a reality. As humans are, naturally, selfish in nature. I know this thought goes against the grain, and isn't fun to think about. However, I believe it's true.

Hence the desire and goal to never have expectations.

This is not an easy thing to accomplish, given we all think about the future and our goals and how we want people to react and respond to us. It's a fight. It's an exhausting uphill battle to grasp the idea that if you 'need' it - you must ask for it.

I'm terrible at this. I wont ever ask, and will sit in my shit for days on end wishing I wasn't - but refusing to do a damn thing about it.

I do not have the happy medium. Clearly an issue.

~Stephanie