Random musings about jobs...

Job searching is hard.

In today's market you have to make sure that your resume is well polished, that your cover letter stands out - and that you, as a person are marketable.

I do not like this.

I don't have much training, I didn't go to college and have worked a number of odd-jobs throughout my years that does not give me any qualifications for the many of open positions out there.

I know that I'm a good employee. I am valuable to a team, and can represent myself and a company in a way that would make anyone proud. Believe it or not.

However, with my lack of training and my lack of experience in any particular field makes this job searching stuff difficult.

The jobs I want are not available - and although, I could excel at these positions my lack of experience is a deterrent to any employer who may come across my resume.

How then, do I out-shine people who may have more qualifications than me?

I get them to meet me. On paper, I am weak. In person, I am well spoken, well put together, and can convince you that I am the absolute best person for this job.

I have never interviewed for a job - in which I was not offered the position I was interviewing for.

Okay, here is my problem. In this busy job market AND lack of contact people via anything but email - convincing people to meet me is NOT easy. I cannot bother them via telephone and show them how determined I am. Email can be easily ignored phone calls, however, cannot. Which has me convinced this is all a scam to keep me from working. That's a lie.

However, what is true - is that I am doing what I can to get a job, to find a job and to keep a job for longer than a year.

Oy.

~Stephanie

False Sense of Reality

I feel a strong desire to connect with people - on a level that is strange and admittedly a little creepy.

I'm connected with someone as I sit next to them, at lunch, on the bus, in the coffee shop - and that is whether I know them or not.

If I can - I will breathe in the same rhythm you breathe. I will try and read at your pace - turn the page when you turn the page, I will look at your IPOD and try and see if we have similar music tastes.

Granted, this connection is all one-sided as I'm sure the Man on the bus listening to Kings of Leon while I'm also listening to Kings of Leon - has no idea that I have inserted myself into his life.

I realize this makes me seem so stalkerish...But, I have to say that I have created a life, in which, I have believed that I could exist when no others were in existence. The idea of living the rest of my life without another person, was okay. Was preferred.

How wrong was I? How can I say this was my true created reality - when I'm searching for ways to connect?

I find comfort in being surrounded by people. I find comfort in connecting with people on a level that is self-created and self-understood.

I need people, more than I could ever had imagined.

We all do.

~Stephanie

I did NOT take your place - you left your space...

As this chapter in my life is coming to an end - I am again reminded of the place where I always end up.

In your place.

It seems as if where I go - I take your place. I do not mean to, and this is not something I strive for. But, it always happens.

I get blamed for people leaving you aside. You are the victim and I am the problem.

You feel as if my absense will put you back where you feel you belong.

It wont.

What you don't understand is that you chose to leave your space. You chose to burn bridges, it just happened when I entered the picture.

It is silly to blame me for your insecurities, your doubt in yourself, your faults. But, you cannot fathom that you have done something wrong. That you have created your own reality.

I am not the cool chick. I am not the love of the people who abandoned you. I am not your answer to your hard self created self-loathing.

I am not your problem.

Therefore, I implore you - move on. Look within yourself - see yourself in your problems.

They are self-created.

~Stephanie

The Little Black Book

In 9th Grade my friend 'Bean' and I had one of those little black notebooks you had to have for school.

Ours, however, was our tricky way of passing notes. It was brilliant.

I would write what I wanted/needed to say. Stick it in my locker. She would go to my locker, get the book and write what she wanted/needed to say and stick it in my locker.

We wrote about boys, classes, girls we didn't like, teachers, life and all sorts of other random things that 14yr olds find important.

Our Boyfriends found this book enchanting, something to be desired, something that needed to be read. They wanted to know if they were in the book, what we said about them, who else we talked about. It drove them crazy.

I made the silly mistake of giving my boyfriend my locker combination. You know this was the 'right of passage' into junior high relationships; before you could exchange house keys, we exchanged locker combination.

In retrospect, I wonder how much of a 'silly' mistake it was, or how much of it was this manipulative desire to stick the book under his nose and tempt him with it. I think it was the latter. Come on, I was 14.

Well, of course, they got it and read it. Never told us, until one day - I flip to the next blank page where there is a note from both, my boyfriend and Bean's boyfriend. Holy Shit!! I panicked - while smiling inside. He knows all my secrets. My memory is trying to decide whether we chided the boys about this or never mentioned it. Leaving this book to be elephant that hung in the air.

My favorite part about this book was the 'irritation section' - yes, we had a bitch column. We numbered the things that irritated us. AND oh boy, as youngsters everything irritated us. The way so and so butted into our conversations. The way Mr. Jones picked me out of the crowd to 'pick on me' - but he liked me. To this day, I do not know why he likes me.

(((Side Rant: OH - this totally reminds me of the silly things from that class. Matt throwing spit balls, Bryan not being able to pronounce words correctly, the damn required extra credit, drawing on the desks and on our hands <- which I was not allowed to do. Seriously, had to run home and upstairs everyday after school and wash my hands with this freakin' industrial soap my Dad had...Making up stories to taunt people with...OH - that was a grand class.)))

Back on point.

This book, was my connection to Bean. My connection to my teen years. It was mine. It was ours. Email is great, IM'ing is great, Facebook is great. But, none of those things will connect me to a time in my life like the excitement of this notebook. It had all of our secrets, dreams, desires and irritations.

I wonder/wish/hope that Bean still has that book, tucked away somewhere. It is unlikely as that was 10years ago. BUT, I would love to dive back into that young girl's mind, with the wisdom I posses now, and escape to the mind of a young child full of ideas, dreams, and not a care in the world.

Life was so simple back then.

~Stephanie

You really don't need to know this....Oh Well...

As I'm looking at 2.5days left at my job - I start thinking about my life goals. I have many of them, most of them, are un-attainable.

This is on purpose.

The idea of accomplishing all my goals - is my biggest fear. I hate the idea of doing it all, doing everything with my life that I want to do...cause, then what?

Just to share:

**I want to read all the books. Yes, all of them.

**I want to own a company called, Questionable Authority, Inc. What this company does - is one of the following things:
a) House homeless people. Have a system set-up, in which, this house is a half-way house for homeless people trying to get back on their feet.
b) Advocate for people who have been screwed over - by anything
c) Be a super successful Marketing Firm
d) A Screen writing Company
Those are just a few ideas that I have..

**I want to travel the world. Yes, the whole world.


**I want to work in a government firm of some kind - undercover....doing scary and dangerous things, all in the name of justice.

**I want to be a judge

**I want to be a successful lawyer - own my own firm. It'd be a defense attorney type of situation....yes, I know, dad is a cop - this is a sin.

**Be the hottest and best female drummer in a super successful Rock Band.

**In my band, I'd also sing and dance

**Be a competition dancer and shooter (I'd win)

**Rescue Dogs and cats - house them.

**Be a professional Dog Walker

**Be a super successful personal assistant for a super high powered jerk

**Be purposefully funny

**Be a fulltime student for life. Have tons of degrees in a wide variety of things

I know it's an odd list. But, it's my list. I dream of all of these things, regularly, no wonder, I cannot pick a major, cannot pick a career path. I want to do it all.

I want to be successful at it all.

But, I never want to complete even half of this list -

~Stephanie

Your Scent - it stopped me.

I smelled you this morning.

You know, I have not thought about you like that in a long time. In fact, I had even forgotten what you smelled like.

But this morning, in passing, I smelled you. I was instantly taken back to watching movies on your couch, the photolab, learning to play guitar, listening to Good Charlotte, walking to Woodinville, having a snow fight...I remembered so many good things - that I had forgotten. You know, we did have some good times.

For five years, I dreamt of a possible life with you. We were a wreck, a train wreck. It never would have worked - but I did dream.

You were and still are - different. A quiet rebel. Something to admire.

I had forgotten that in you. Until, this morning.

When I smelled you.

~Stephanie